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 The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on

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mudboy



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Join date : 2009-07-18
Age : 32
Location : Frederiksberg, Denmark

PostSubject: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:19 am

This is the first part of a short story i'm working on. It might turn into a Death Squads story depending on the plotline(still wip).

Anyway, C&C are welcome Very Happy



Traitor. The word still rings in my head.
This is was what I have become. The enemy. I have spend the last seven years of my life fighting for the Emperor and mankind. Fighting Xeno's and Heretics across the galaxy, on iceworlds, in hivecities, in desserts and on starships. Never have I doubted anything. But now I'm not so sure any more. After seven years of servitude I'm no longer a Guardsman. It doesn't make any sense to me, how did it happen? All I've done is follow orders from the Captain. He was always so determined to repel the enemy's of man, even in the face of death he spat on it an kept on fighting. How the frak did it happen?


I know I'm going to die some day, but I'm not planning on meeting a grizzly end here in this muckhole! Another war on another backwater planet in the Eastern Fringe. The city we're in is nothing but ruins and corpses after the artillery pounded it for three days. Why the frak are we fighting over a destroyed city when there's plenty of others we haven't bombed to the Warp yet. A stray shot hisses past my ear and I hug the wall listening to the racket outside. The orks are shouting in their guttural tongue all the while chopping up a group of Guardsmen with their enormous cleavers and axes. Their screams of terror and pain makes me want to vomit but the smell would probably just attract the orks. Now that would be a grizzly end. Cut in half while emptying my bowels. I almost smile at the thought but get distracted as a severed head comes flying through the window above me. Landing a few feet from me, the eyes not looking quite dead yet seems to stare accusingly at me. 'No thanks' I mutter to myself. I'm not joining that fight, that would just be plain stupid. And why was I so stupid to get lost from the rest of my squad. Sergeant Donowitz is going to tear me a new one for this. He always has some sadistic way of punishing anyone who doesn't meet his standards. Like that time when Gastro forgot to adjust the sights on his lasgun after cleaning it. Two weeks of latrine duty. Never thought he would get the stench out of his clothes after that. We never found out anyway as he got shot in the head by one of those Tau riffles. So much for a helmet when facing that kind of firepower.
The orks are moving on now, looking for some other unfortunate victims. As the sound of them resides I look out through the window to see what the damage is. Total is my first thought. The remains of the Guardsmen is scattered over a wide area, blood and entrails strewn all over. Moving towards the closest body I check my gear to see if I need anything. A couple of grenades and some powerpacks isn't going to do any good on a corpse so I'll just help myself releaving the mangled corpse of it.


Last edited by mudboy on Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Laney



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Join date : 2010-02-13
Age : 40
Location : Colchester, Essex, England

PostSubject: Re: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 6:13 am

Good work - it drew me in - I already want to know what happens next!

One question - the first paragraph is him in the here and now and the next section is a flashback - is that right? If so, I'd put the first part in italics to show a clear time separation from the flashback.

This will fit nicely into death squads - I can see it already.

Like it - more please!

Laney Smile
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Mordheimer



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Age : 43
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PostSubject: Re: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 7:58 am

MORE!!

Excellent writing skills man! I see this older man... kindda regretting his decisions, then a flashback to how it started... then the end, when it comes back to the older man... him raising a crab-claw for arm screaming CHARGE! and a Chaos Army rushing behind him. Shocked

That is the power of your few words. PLEASE... MORE!!!

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mudboy



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Age : 32
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PostSubject: Re: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 1:54 pm

Thanks guys Very Happy

Good idéa about the Italics
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Mordheimer



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PostSubject: Re: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 3:20 pm

Also... I like the very short sentences on the begining. I mean... it makes it sound so... final. My heart sank in desperation when I read it... felt bad for the man. Maybe I will see his inner struggle (YOU BETTER POST MORE, MONKEY BOY!) and relate to his falling... maybe hope for a last minute redemption.

If it took you several MONTHS to write that... I happily wait for more (BUT NOT THAT LONG!)... really cool!

_________________
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The Mordheimer - Death Squads' Chief Editor & Ninja Designer. Bursting with ARACHAS' Dev-Powah™! Puke
Can't wait until someone invents a time machine so I can go to the specific day in the past that I volunteered for this, so I can kick my own ass.

Support Bacteria; it is the ONLY culture some people have!
Since I ask "What do you think?" to all Staff, I have included it here to save time.

DoZer Flamethrower Mordheimer Justice NEEDS to be Served! Maybe 3rd Degree burns will teach you not to Tom Sawyer me to work!

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mudboy



Posts : 955
Join date : 2009-07-18
Age : 32
Location : Frederiksberg, Denmark

PostSubject: Re: The Fall of Bergen. A 40k short story i'm working on   Sun Mar 07, 2010 5:42 pm

Actually that part took me ten minuttes. When the inspiration comes i just blurt it out and then look at the finer details afterwards. The trick is to get the inspiration at the right time. If it comes to me while i'm at work i'm screwed as i probably forget it before getting home.

Btw. If you guys notice any misspellings, please mention it Smile
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