Mordheimer's Guide to the New Parents

Well, since some of my good friends here have managed to pass down their genetic material (consider yourself lucky!) I have decided to make a very simple guide to help you deal with the new baby. No... nothing like the 300+ pages of TLRB! No... it is not the beggining of a never ending rulebook. It is just a simple guideline... all in pretty pictures!




Enjoy your baby!

Great idea and thanks - but I can't see the pics!

Cheers Laney

Fixed!

Lol, and here I was thinking lifting babies up by their head was a good plan...silly me...good thing my genetic material hasn't spread yet...

Now I know what I've been doing wrong for the last three years! A simple bit of guidance was all I needed!

Cheers Laney

What? You dont lock them in the closet and feed them pancakes and pizza, because they slide under the door? OOPs!!!!!

Hahaha very nice!
BTW that nose thing works like crap!

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? _ __Yes ___No
Is one parent male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________________

If less than your age, explain
_________________________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

&nb sp; ______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________ Grandfather ? ____________

Mother? _______ ______ Grandmother ? ____________

Brother ? _____________ Sister ? ________________ Pastor? _____________ Teacher(s) (past or present) ?__________
Also attach a complete family history (please include everyone, places and circumstances surrounding each person in your family)


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.


To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants t en sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are very okay. Old folk’s homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safe and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I can't decide between...

Quote :

What do you want to do IF you grow up?

or...

Quote :

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

... as my personal favorite sentences! Very cool!

Quote :

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

So... some kind of threesome?

Quote :

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

My Answer in one word... Dead. That works in at least three different ways.

Also can I ask what is wrong with having access to a van... I mean what if one of the companies I own happens to have vans for my serfs to use while performing tasks that benefit my bank account.

Oh I should note that I don't want to date your daughter (not right now anyway) and I'm just asking for the hell of it!

Oh also you might want them to specify what IQ scale/test they are using because 115 (for example) hasn't got the same value under all the different tests. Other issues such as how much family history/lineage should state how much you are interested in and what you are interested... 3,000 years of family history might be pretty snooze worthy unless a number of notable characters exist (for good or bad), Also what if they were educated in a system which doesn't use GPA... It might be worth putting down what units you want things in and consider putting in extra detail such as muscle mass/fat content as that is probably of better use than weight and you want only the best for your daughter (or maybe no one!). Anyway I find this application form to be vague in many ways!

Luckily I don't have to fill in forms anymore!

Also did you ask about Gender/Sex?

HILARIOUS!!

And for those wondering: this DOES all get funnier when you ARE in fact a parent, especially when you've got a girl. ;D

I'll have to tell my two lads to be careful out there when they get older! Especially when the older one (2 years old) has an eye for the ladies!

Cheers Laney